Vagabond = Bum or Saint??

Few days ago I was in a big city.

It was really strange to me.

 

Honestly I don’t like big cities.

It’s very convenient to buy something but nothing else.

 

There’s lots of fancy shops.

There’s lots of advertisements everywhere you go.

You can’t deny that you’ve been brainwashed

Whatever you buy, it isn’t your own will.

It’s wisely controlled by the media.

Your clothes, your glasses, your computer, your camera….everything.

 

What I always see in big cities is

• the homeless

I have always a mixed feeling.

As if I saw myself sitting there and begging for money to survive day to day.

Very sad seeing them and I’m wondering what kind of lives they have, they are having.

If they are loser like me or quitter…If they had no chance to live like “others” normally live.

If they have friends or a family who are worried about them.

If there’s anyone who cares about them.

 

I often tell my friends that they are me, myself.

But most of them don’t take it seriously and just laugh.

They say that I am nothing like them.

And if I will ever be like them, they would help me not to be like them….(hahaha…for sure!! Thanks for saying that but I don’t take it seriously.)

You would never be able to help me out. You wouldn’t even know where I am and where I will be.

How could you help me??

Could you give me one dollar, if you saw me??

Do you think you can recognize me?? Do you think you have a will to approach me??

Wearing the same unwashed clothes and smelling sweat and piss.

If you were with your friend, would you tell him or her that I am your friend??

Would you see me as a human being??

 

I still have a place to stay and I can eat 3 times a day.

I really thank for that…maybe for you it’s normal.

But for how long can I live like that??

For how long will I have a place where I don’t need to worry being stolen nor robbed.…How do I know??

 

Strangely I’m trying to help someone else.

And I met some friends who have more or less common ideas.

Talking about raising money or how to change the current situation.

They treat me like I’m a noble man…but I’m not.

Obviously not.

 

I’m talentless…but I love myself.

If I could say I had only one talent which isn’t useful.

I can see someone’s pain more than others.

Maybe it’s just my imagination and mostly it’s none of my business.

It’s also none of your business, if I can feel your pain.

 

My cheap compassion can help nobody.

 

Well…As usual I don’t know what I’m writing about and what I’m mumbling about.

Every things that exist will disappear.

Few weeks ago my harddisk was crushed.

And I lost most of my precious pictures.

Are you asking me that I was sad??

 

Ok, I was little sad. That’s true. But strangely I wasn’t that sad as I thought.

 

I’ve lost so many things in my life. So many precious things.

 

But I sort of figured out that

every things that exist will disappear sooner or later, no matter how important the things are.

 

And that’s why I can tell myself that there’s nothing to be sad or being sad.

 

The important thing is to enjoy having things that exist…to enjoy till the things disappear.

 

After the disappearance there’s nothing.

Zero…back to zero.

The happiest moment in your life.

One day a girl asked me what the happiest moment

in my life was.

…what a difficult question.

Could you answer this question so easily??

I couldn’t.

I could easily answer what the saddest moment in my life was.

Well…actually not only one but many.

There were many sad moments that I could hardly take.

 

But don’t I have the happiest moment??

Maybe some happy moments…but I can’t say “the happiest moment.”

For example.

When I was hitching around and went to one house and asked for

Water. The Water was just normal tap water. But it tasted very good. I was very happy to be given the water.

Or

After a long day of hitching I finally got a place to sleep and took a shower. It was unbelievably so good.

 

Or

Sleeping in a bed without worrying to be stolen my stuff.

…but none of them are “the best”.

 

I’m not sure if I will ever have the moment….

I’m not that kind of person who is saying like

“Oh, when I met you, you made my life brabrabra.”

“When I first saw your eyes…brabrabra.”

 

Anyway there was a day that I was supposed to be born.

People call it “Birthday”.

I’m now in a place where I don’t have any so called “friends”.

And that’s why there’s no one who knows about my birthday.

So I didn’t really expect a kitschy stinky surprise party.

 

Few days ago I had to join this kind of things…well the birthday kid

was very happy and started crying…well,,,it’s not my thing.

I was just wondering how she could react like that.

Did the things make her that much happy to cry??…I don’t understand. I do have a heart of glacier.

 

But do you know what happened on my birthday this year??

One girl run to me with a stuffed toy and she held it out to my ear.

I’d been listening something from the toy

“Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you…”

She was singing the song as well.

And end of the song she said “Isn’t it nice??”

I said “Yes, it is. And thank you very much.”

 

Her face was puzzled and asked me “Thank for what??”

I pretended not hearing what she asked and just said “Thank you” again.

 

It was just a big coincidence. She doesn’t know anything about my birthday.(And I had no will telling her about my birthday.)

 

There’s full moon in the sky and she’s shinning softly.

One of the saddest moment I do remember it was also full moon.

I’m seeing the same full moon but with different feeling.

 

A year after a year it’s getting difficult surviving as a vagabond in this world.

 

I don’t really wish to survive any further but as long as I’m still in this world, which means there must be something that I should do.

 

If I had only one wish that I could make it true, I would love to know the day that I die.

It would make my life much easier.

Good example.

I don’t drink any Alcohol generally. Especially as long as I’m here, I don’t want to drink it.

I do hate drunken person.

I do hate the same old excuse like

“Oh, I’m sorry, I was drunk.”

 

I’m afraid I’m far, far from a good example for children.

But I’m trying to become a good example.

 

I used to hate teachers.

They were mostly not a good example.

There were many contradictions that I really hated.

They told us all the time that we shouldn’t do this and that.

 

They couldn’t even explain “why”. What they used to say was “Because it’s  {the rule}”

Actually it’s really bullsh..t

 

One good example.

They kept saying that we shouldn’t smoke.

And what they were doing between the lessons??

“smoking”

Why?? ‘Cos they are old enough and they have so called a “right” to smoke??

Or they wanted to show us how the real life was??

The real life isn’t fair and there’s plenty of contradictions.

That was what they wanted to teach??

 

…but then again. Should I try to become a good example??

For what??

For children does it really matter??

There’s plenty of bad examples everywhere and children wanna follow rather them,,,not few good examples.

‘Cos good examples are mostly boring.

‘Cos bad examples are “cool”.

 

If I keep trying to become a good example, what do they think??

Is there a tiny chance to influence one child??

Is there a tiny chance to show one child a good way??

 

…what is a good way??

Being kind?? Being honest??…for what??

They will be deceived and will be taken advantage of.

Is that reason should I be a good example??

 

Another topic.

There’s some donations from “rich countries”.

For example “old cloths”

I won’t mention from which county we’ve got.

But sometimes the cloth were “wet”, sometimes they were “unwashed”

Would you call it “donation”?? or someone wanna take the piss??

It’s none of F… your business.

Nowadays often I was asked, if I had a girlfriend, or a wife or

If I was married.

 

What’s wrong with you??

Why are you asking me?? Are you asking me, because you are interested in me??(Women ask this question without purpose??)

Or you don’t have anything else to ask?
Or people like me have to have a girlfriend or a wife??

 

And you know what’s pissed me off??

When I say “I’m alone.”, they say mostly “Oh, well, you’ll find one soon.”

 

Have I said that I was looking for one?

Have I ever said that I was lonely??

Are you my parents?

 

NO!.

Give me a good reasonable reason that I need one.

I’m completely fine being alone and don’t tell me that we “all” need someone.

It’s your point of view and not mine.

 

At least I’ve been busy doing my things and no time for wasting my precious time for doing stupid

“Oh, I love you, Do you love me? How much do you love me?? You don’t love me any more, do you??I love you forever. I can’t live without you…brabra”-thing.

 

I’m not a quitter. I’m just a pathetic loser.

So stop bothering me and leave me alone.

It’s not fair, isn’t it??

I like taking pictures.

Now a days I take lots of pictures of my(our) kids.

 

They are absolutely b e a u t i f u l.

It really doesn’t matter how I take a picture, they are beautiful.

Their natural smile is really, really beautiful.

I’m kinda jealous of their beauty.

There’s a big difference between my ugly old face and theirs.

 

How can they be so natural??

Why can’t we(adult) be natural like they are??

Is it only a gift for being a child??

Ende gut, alles gut.

Weißt du was das bedeutet??

Es gibt immer “Ende”, egal was man macht.

Und wenn man das “Ende” schön macht, dann scheint es schließlich

alles gut.

 

Und das ist genauso Gegenteil.

 

“Ende Sche…, alles Sche….”

Wenn man das “Ende” Schei.. macht, dann ist es schließlich alles Sch..

Alles wird ruinieren, egal ob man sich vorher viel Mühe gegeben hat.

Man sieht nur das Ende und sonst nicht.

Ein bitteres Ende macht alles kaputt, deswegen ich versuche immer das Ende irgendwie schön zu machen.

Aber andere sind was anders.

 

Ich frage mich ob es irgendwo so ein “Happy End” gibt.

So wie ein Märchen.

Gibt es??

Wenigtens nicht in meinem Leben, oder??

Habe ich noch nicht meine Süden gebüßt??

Habe ich mich noch nicht genug gequält??